A True Story From My Time as a Trauma Therapist
As a therapist for children with trauma I worked with a lot of big, scary behaviors in kids. One child stands out in my memory beyond all of the others. He was adopted from overseas at birth into a family with two biological children and a third on the way. This child was medically and psychologically complex. At five years old he had a feeding tube from refusing to eat and was smearing feces on the wall of his bedroom (a common trauma-based behavior in young children), and that was only the beginning.
It was an Autumn evening around 7 pm when I walked into their home with my lap top, bag of games, and forms to fill out for the intake visit. I was nervous. I knew from reading their case history the severity of behaviors I would encounter. As I sat down at their kitchen table I could feel mom and dad’s desperation for help careening towards me. As a highly self-aware and deeply sensitive person I can often read others without words.
Mom’s energy was frantic, bordering on panic. She barely took a breath as she explained what was happening everyday in her home and in the community with this child. She shared that they had already tried multiple specialists and programs to help their son heal from the trauma he experienced as an infant. They believed he had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), a controversial diagnosis frequently handed to children with trauma who are in foster or adoptive homes. If you’ve never heard of it I encourage you to read my article on this diagnosis here.
As I listened to the challenges and frightening behaviors this family was living with I couldn’t help but feel incapable of helping them. While I’m confident in most areas of my work now, at the time I was a rather new therapist and wasn’t a parent myself. Thanks to the help of my incredible supervisor and colleagues we were able to turn things around for this family.
Over multiple 2-3 hour in-home therapy sessions I learned that the parents had become so fixated on the negative interactions with their son that there wasn’t any room for positive interactions. I listened patiently as I heard story after story of this child being punished for “acting out,” but what I saw was a severely traumatized child who felt very unsafe in his environment.
His nervous system was stuck in a pattern of trauma-based responses, like pushing others away with scary behavior out of a need to feel in control. Our treatment goals became increasing positive interactions through attachment-focused interventions and connecting the child to his culture and history.
(Attend a live webinar that addresses these exact problems on October 15th by registering HERE.)
In my work with families, I have seen how easily the difficult moments can take over the story of who the child is at a foundational level. A caregiver may describe a child’s refusal, outburst, or withdrawal in vivid detail, while the quieter moments of cooperation, honesty, effort, or repair go unnoticed. With this family I had to invite the caregivers to pause and ask, “What did your child do right today, even for a few seconds?”
That question can open a different way of seeing the child and the relationship. I heard these positive behaviors in children with trauma referred to as “glimmers” several years ago, and I find searching for glimmers in people with trauma necessary for their healing process, and for keeping me hopeful as a therapist against the odds.
Bottom line
Adults can improve a child’s sense of safety, increase attachment, and build trust when they catch children doing the right thing and notice the innate goodness in the child instead of focusing on their deficits. This does not mean ignoring challenging behavior or minimizing real stress. It means intentionally noticing and naming the small moments that show effort, connection, coping, and growth. In psychology it is called positive reinforcement, and it is a practical way to build trust, increase desired behaviors, and create more moments of safety, especially for children experiencing trauma and loss in foster, kinship, or adoptive families.
Why positive interactions matter
Children with trauma tend to repeat the patterns that receive the most attention because to them any kind of attention feels powerful. These children have often lost their power due to abuse, neglect, and loss and will do anything to regain it in order to survive their circumstances.
This behavior is NOT manipulation, it is an adaptation to trauma. But, when adult attention is spent on conflict, refusal, or crisis, both children and caregivers begin to expect negative interactions. This can leave caregivers feeling depleted, powerless, or easily triggered, while children may come to believe that adults notice them primarily when something is wrong.
Intentional positive interactions help interrupt that cycle. A brief moment of warmth, specific praise, shared laughter, or calm acknowledgment can reinforce connection and remind children that they are way more than their hardest moments.
Join my NEW online educational membership community to keep learning about childhood trauma and connect with your type of people each month: Trauma Toolkit Tuesdays Membership
When this experience is felt in their bodies they begin to believe that they are valued and accepted just the way they are. A lesson children with trauma need to learn in order to heal.
As a reminder, it may take a significant amount of timefor children who have experienced separation, disrupted attachments, or loss to trust that adults are safe to be close to. A child in a foster, kinship, or adoptive family may be watching closely to determine whether caregivers are dependable, whether affection is safe, and whether mistakes will lead to rejection.
Consistent positive reinforcement communicates, “I see you,” “Your efforts matter,” and “Our relationship is not defined by one difficult moment.” THAT is what our kids need the most. Not “lessons,” but unconditional compassion.
A useful goal is to help caregivers look for frequent, small opportunities to communicate: “I see you,” “I appreciate your effort,” and “We can get through this together.”
Positive reinforcement: make it specific and immediate
Positive reinforcement increases the likelihood that a behavior will happen again. It is most effective when it is:
- Specific: Name exactly what the child did.
- Immediate: Offer acknowledgment as close to the behavior as possible.
- Genuine: Use language that feels natural to the caregiver.
- Focused on effort and skills: Notice persistence, coping, kindness, honesty, and repair, not just outcomes.
- Consistent: Offer recognition regularly, especially when trust is still developing.
Instead of “Good job,” caregivers might try:
- “Thank you for putting your shoes on when I asked. That helped us leave on time.”
- “I noticed you took a breath before responding. That was a strong choice.”
- “You were disappointed, and you still used respectful words.”
- “I appreciate you helping your sister clean up.”
- “You came back after needing a break. That showed me you were ready to try again.”
- “You told me the truth, even though you were worried I might be upset. I’m glad you told me.”
Statements like this build a child’s understanding of which behaviors are valued while also communicating acceptance and attention. For children who have experienced loss or inconsistent caregiving, this repeated experience of being noticed for positive efforts can help make relationships feel more predictable and trustworthy.
How reinforcement builds trust after trauma and loss
Trauma and loss can affect how children interpret adult responses. A child may expect rejection, punishment, broken promises, or sudden changes. They may test limits, reject affection, hide mistakes, or react strongly to ordinary requests. These behaviors can be difficult for caregivers, but they may also reflect fear, grief, confusion, or an attempt to protect themselves.
Positive reinforcement helps caregivers communicate that connection is available even when behavior is challenging. When adults notice a child’s effort, honesty, recovery, or willingness to reconnect, they provide evidence that the child is not valued only when compliant. Over time, this can support a more secure sense of belonging.
Trust is built through repeated corrective experiences. A caregiver who says, “I noticed you tried again,” or “Thank you for telling me what happened,” is showing the child that effort and honesty are safe. A caregiver who acknowledges repair like: “You were angry, and you came back to talk,” helps the child learn that conflict does not have to end the relationship.
I can’t stress enough that positive reinforcement should be paired with realistic expectations. Children affected by trauma may need more time, repetition, and support to develop skills. There may be developmental delays and other cognitive challenges that require the child to learn skills at a slower pace. The goal is not perfection or immediate compliance.
The goal is to notice ANY movement toward safety, regulation, connection, and responsibility as a huge step forward for the child.
How reinforcement can reduce caregiver triggering
Caregiver triggers often arise when a child’s behavior is interpreted as disrespect, defiance, rejection, or a sign that the caregiver is failing. In those activated moments, it can be difficult to access patience, problem-solving, or empathy. As a parent I understand how easy it is to become triggered. At times I’ve let my emotions get the best of me and while I’m not proud of it, I do believe it’s part of the human condition to mess up with our kids.
Positive reinforcement creates a counterbalance to the times we’ve become triggered. When caregivers practice scanning for effort, cooperation, and connection, they are more likely to notice the full picture rather than only the behavior that feels provocative. This does not eliminate triggers, but it can create a pause between the child’s behavior and the caregiver’s reaction.
Practitioners can support caregivers in asking themselves:
- “What is my child doing right, even in a small way?” (Write them down)
- “What skill might my child need to learn to to prevent this behavior next time?”
- “What do I want to see more of?” (Encourage it)
- “Can I acknowledge how my own experiences in childhood are affecting my response to this child’s behavior?” This is a BIG one.
- “What might this behavior be communicating about fear, grief, or overwhelm?”
This shift supports regulation. It moves the caregiver from reacting to a perceived threat toward responding with intention. It also helps caregivers remember that a child’s behavior is communication, not a complete definition of the child or the relationship.
Practical strategies for families
Encourage caregivers to choose one or two manageable practices rather than trying to transform everything at once.
- Aim for brief daily connection.Five to ten minutes of child-led attention without correction, teaching, or multitasking. This can be especially powerful for children who don’t feel seen or accepted.
- Catch them doing the right thing. Look for cooperation, honesty, patience, kindness, effort, or recovery, and specifically name it when it happens.
- Notice the next right thing. After a difficult moment, look for the first small sign of recovery: a quieter voice, a deep breath, a step toward cooperation, or an attempt to repair.
- Pair limits with acknowledgment. “You are really upset, and I won’t let you hit. It’s my job to keep you safe. I’m glad you told me you needed space.”
- Reinforce connection, not just compliance. “You came and sat near me even though you were still upset. I’m glad you stayed connected to me.”
- Use predictable language. Repeated phrases such as “You are safe,” “We can try again,” and “I will help you” can be especially meaningful for children who have experienced disrupted relationships. They need to learn that conflict does not equal abandonment.
- Reinforce caregiver effort, too. Caregivers benefit from hearing, “You paused before responding and that took a lot of strength.”
- Plan for trigger moments. Identify a simple regulation routine: pause, notice your feet on the ground, step back when safe, use a grounding phrase like “compassion first”, and return to the interaction.
- Celebrate repair. When a child apologizes, reconnects, or tries a different response, acknowledge the effort without demanding a perfect explanation.
A trauma-responsive perspective
Positive reinforcement should never be used as a way to control, shame, or demand compliance. For families affected by trauma, chronic stress, discrimination, or systemic barriers, behavior often reflects unmet needs, overwhelm, grief, or attempts to regain safety.
Our role is to help caregivers build skills while honoring context. We can validate the difficulty of caregiving, support realistic expectations, and reinforce repair when interactions do not go as hoped. In foster, kinship, and adoptive families, it is also important to recognize that children and caregivers may both be grieving previous relationships, roles, routines, and expectations.
Positive interactions can support healing, but they do not erase loss or replace appropriate therapeutic and practical supports. Seek therapy when a child’s distress is impacting their functioning at home/school.
A caregiver does not need to respond perfectly. A calm reconnection after conflict such as: “I was overwhelmed and raised my voice. I’m sorry. Let’s try again,” is itself a meaningful model of accountability and safety. When caregivers repair consistently, children learn that conflict does not automatically lead to abandonment and that relationships can withstand difficult emotions.
Closing reflection
Positive reinforcement is not a substitute for boundaries, support services, or deeper clinical work. It is one accessible tool for helping families build more connection into everyday life. When caregivers learn to catch children doing the right thing, notice effort, and name moments of repair, they may feel less trapped in cycles of correction and conflict.
For children experiencing trauma and loss in foster, kinship, or adoptive families, these moments can be especially important. Each specific acknowledgment offers another experience of being seen, valued, and understood. Over time, consistent positive reinforcement can help children experience caregivers as safer and more dependable.
Thank you for taking the time to read this educational portion of The Childhood Trauma Newsletter™. I put my whole heart into it, and I hope it shows. If you want to motivate me to keep writing, please leave a reflection or word of encouragement in the comments.
For this month, I’ll leave you with a FREE opportunity to learn more: On Thursday, October 15th from 12-1 pm EST I will be collaborating with Adam Ashley, creator of GoodTimer, to teach an educational webinar on increasing positive interactions and reduce stress with the children we love. The details are below!
Two Exciting New Opportunities with Beth Tyson Trauma Consulting!
#1. Webinar: Catch Children Being “Being Good”: Building Positive Interactions that Increase Connection and Reduce Stress
If you work with families or are a family raising children who experience challenging, defiant, or oppositional behaviors, this live webinar is for you, and yes there will be a replay if you can’t make it live.
Please join us on Thursday, October 15th from 12-1 pm ET to learn on how positive reinforcement can reduce triggers at home, support children’s healthy behavior, and build stronger caregiver-child connections.
You’ll learn:
- Why positive reinforcement works and what the latest research says
- How to use it in everyday moments with children and families
- Fast, simple ways to encourage cooperation without escalating tension.
- Realistic strategies for routines, transitions, and challenging behaviors so you can create more calm, confidence, and connection in families!
At the end of the session, we’ll provide a live demonstration of GoodTimer as one possible tool that can help families put these ideas into practice.
This webinar will take place Thursday, October 15th from 12:00–1:00 PM ET on Zoom – Free to attend
Save your seat and walk away with practical tools you can use right away!
2. Membership Now Open: Trauma Toolkit Tuesdays
On Tuesday, October 6th, I’ll host the third Trauma Toolkit Tuesday (TTT), focused on:
What We Don’t See: How to Manage Invisible Triggers in Children and Familes
Not all trauma triggers are easy to recognize. Everyday sounds, smells, touch, routines, transitions, or unexpected changes can activate a stress response in children and parents, often before anyone understands what is happening.
In this session, we’ll explore:
- How invisible trauma triggers can show up in children and parents
- The ways triggers may affect behavior, connection, and family relationships
- Practical ways to respond with curiosity, compassion, and regulation
This session is primarily for professionals who work with families affected by trauma and want to better support children’s healing. Caregivers are also welcome.
Membership details:
The October 2026 Trauma Toolkit Tuesday is free. To reserve your place, you will have to join the membership using a credit card, but you will not be charged for October.
If you decide the membership is right for you, it will continue at $29 per monthbeginning the following month (November). There is no long-term commitment: you may cancel at any time before the next month begins and will no longer be charged. If you are disappointed in the membership for any reason, a full refund will be provided. Just let me know.
Each month, members receive:
- A live 90-minute Trauma Toolkit Tuesday learning session with me, and guest speakers
- Replay access to ALL sessions of TTT
- Recap guide of key points made in the learning session
- A printable resource to use with children, families, or your team
- An interactive community of trauma-informed professionals where members can connect, share ideas, ask questions, and support one another.
- The opportunity to submit questions and topics for the monthly discussion
This membership is designed to help you turn trauma-informed ideas into practical, compassionate responses you can use with the children and families you love.
To cancel your membership, simply contact me at bethtyson.com/contact-us and write: “Please cancel my membership.” No hard feelings, I get it!
In Closing…
I don’t care what your role or title is, if you are working with or raising children right now it’s just HARD.The world is moving at a pace none of us were built for, and the number or worries and responsibilities we carry with us each day are enormous. On top of that, children can be frustrating, scary, confusing, and draining (and little angels, of course).
I don’t want to pretend like any of this is easy, especially as a kinship caregiver or foster parent. But, our goal is not to get it right with kids 100% of the time. Our goal is always to try to do 1% better than yesterday, and if we don’t, get back up tomorrow morning and try again. That’s it. Children don’t need perfect parents/caregivers they need present ones.
The research is clear that in the slog of these everyday challenges, small moments of encouragement can make a meaningful difference. Positive reinforcement is about noticing the behaviors that are going well and building on them. When caregivers intentionally recognize effort, cooperation, and connection, children receive the message that they are seen and valued. Over time, those small moments of encouragement can strengthen trust and make challenging moments easier to navigate together.
I hope to see you at one or both of the events in October. I’d love to see you in person and connect in real life.
With care and compassion,
Beth
