Parenting Under Pressure
The other night, I yelled at my kid. It was definitely a moment when my emotions got the best of me. I’m not proud of it. I sometimes find myself in a strange role. I’m supposed to be an “expert” in trauma-informed parenting, and yet I do things as a parent that I wouldn’t recommend to others. When I find myself out of alignment with my own values, not only do I feel like a terrible parent, but I also feel like a fraud in my professional life.
I share this not to throw a pity party but because I recognize that if I feel this way, many other moms in the mental health field must ALSO feel this way. I hope that sharing my struggle will be helpful to others.
Let’s back up to what caused my adult tantrum the other night. I was getting home late for dinner, and I was starving. I bring “hangry” to a new level on a good day, so getting home late is never a good idea for me. I should’ve known that.
What happened next was my child (who was also tired and hungry) started crying over something I said “no” to, and I lost my temper. I got so mad that I left the house and sat in my car for 15 minutes to calm down. Luckily, her father was home, so I had the time to wait out MY tantrum solo. Sometimes, the best thing for me to do is get space to bring my emotions down.
The Repair Process
Once my temper cooled, the regret immediately drowned me. I went back inside and apologized for my behavior. I said, “I am sorry for getting so angry and scaring you. Mommy gets frustrated sometimes and I lost my temper. I’m calm now and want you to know it wasn’t your fault I yelled. I love you even when I’m angry, and I will do better next time. I feel awful for yelling at you.”
Of course, she responded with, “It’s okay, Mommy,” which broke my heart even more because nothing in me felt okay. But I knew I couldn’t undo what had already been done, so I hugged her, and we moved forward.
Later that night, as I lay in bed, my shame began to spiral. “How could I have let myself get so out of control? What kind of trauma-informed parenting expert acts like this? She’ll be talking to her therapist one day about how I scared her at dinner time…”
These self-deprecating thoughts aren’t just unproductive; they’re damaging. Why? Because shame and self-criticism don’t lead to change—they lead to stuckness. We can’t parent effectively from a place of shame. So, I decided that if I was going to forgive myself and move forward, I had to learn something from this experience. That’s when I began typing out the automatic thoughts that led to my meltdown.
Negative Automatic Thoughts
- “I can’t believe she’s doing this again. She’s ruining my dinner. All I want to do is eat in peace, and she’s ruining it!” (Translation: I’m a terrible mom because my child isn’t calm at the dinner table.)
- “This is how she reacts when I tell her no? WTF? I am failing at this resilience thing. My husband is right. We need to toughen her up. She will never be able to handle life if I don’t teach her to be resilient!” (Translation: If she can’t handle life, she might become a drug addict or hurt herself, and I love her too much to let that happen. And also, I’m failing as a mom.)
- “Wait. I actually want to say yes to the thing I’m saying ‘no’ to, but I can’t because if I do, I’ll reinforce that her crying results in her winning the power struggle, and if she wins, she will tantrum every time she wants something.” (Translation: I am losing control, which is very scary. And yup, I’m a failure as a mom.)
After typing these out, I had to stop and laugh at myself a little bit. Not because they were funny, but because even as someone deeply aware of these thought traps, I still fall into them!
These thoughts are all rooted in fear—fear that I’m failing, fear that my child won’t grow up to be resilient, and fear that I don’t know what I’m doing as a parent. They are rooted in generational messages that I absorbed long ago about power, control, and behavior in children.
So, how do we get ourselves out of these mental loops when our kids unintentionally activate us? And how do we do it without beating ourselves up?
Steps to Reframe and Manage Our Emotions
1. Identify What Sets You Off:
The first step in managing our emotional reactions is recognizing our triggers. In my case, I was hungry, exhausted, and overwhelmed before I even walked through the door. My capacity for patience was at zero. Knowing what drains our emotional resources can help us plan better and set realistic expectations for ourselves and our children.
2. Reframe Your Inner Dialogue:
Instead of defaulting to thoughts like “She’s ruining dinner,” try reframing with statements like, “My child isn’t trying to upset me. She’s struggling with her own emotions right now.” This small shift can make a huge difference in how we react.
3. Interrupt the Pattern:
When you feel your emotions escalating, do what you need to do to interrupt that escalation. For me, it was stepping outside and sitting in the car for 15 minutes. For others, it might be taking deep breaths, splashing water on your face, or grounding yourself by feeling your feet on the floor. Find what works for you.
4. Seek Connection, Not Control:
Instead of viewing the situation as a power struggle, try to see it as an opportunity for connection. Ask yourself, “What does my child need right now? What is she trying to communicate through this behavior?” Often, children’s difficult behaviors are signals that they are overwhelmed, afraid, or need reassurance.
5. Reflect and Repair:
After the meltdown, it’s important to come back together and repair the relationship. Apologize, share what you were feeling in an age-appropriate way, and reassure your child that your love for them remains intact, even when emotions are high. Repairing is not just about mending things for your child—it’s about showing them that relationships can handle rupture and remain strong.
6. Practice Self-Compassion:
Instead of spiraling into shame, remind yourself that you’re human. No parent or professional gets it right 100% of the time. Acknowledge the struggle and speak to yourself as you would a friend in the same situation. We can only be as compassionate with our children as we are with ourselves.
Additional Tips for Fellow “Psychology Moms”
For those of us in the mental health field, it can feel even more devastating when we don’t parent the way we teach or recommend to others. Here are some reminders specifically for you:
– Remember that Knowing Doesn’t Mean Doing:
You have a deep knowledge of child psychology and trauma-informed care, but parenting is messy, and knowing doesn’t always translate to perfectly executed responses. The goal is not perfection—it’s progress and authenticity.
– Model Repair:
Your child learns just as much from seeing how you handle mistakes as they do from your good moments. When you acknowledge your own struggles, apologize, and repair, you’re modeling invaluable life skills.
– Separate Professional Self from Personal Self:
When you feel like a “fraud,” remind yourself that your professional self and personal self don’t always show up the same way. You’re allowed to be human. In fact, being human and vulnerable with your child can create deeper connections than being the “perfect” parent ever could.
– Share Your Struggles:
Speaking openly with other moms or colleagues about your challenges reduces the stigma of imperfection. Being honest about our struggles helps lift the burden of shame and invites support and understanding.
We don’t always get a second chance in the moment, but we can learn, grow, and do better next time. Your child doesn’t benefit from having a perfect parent. They benefit from having a parent who is willing to show up, mess up, and keep trying again—because that’s where resilience and connection truly begin.
I want to hear from you!
If you are a fellow “psychology mom” and would be interested in participating in a peer support group with me and others who are parenting under pressure, please send me a message HERE. You can learn more about me and subscribe to the email version of this newsletter at BethTyson.com.
You can also join my Facebook group, Emotiminds, a private and safe place to learn about trauma-informed care.
Upcoming Free Webinar
Join us on Friday, October 11th, for a free webinar on body safety strategies called “Talking Early & Often: Body Safety Conversations for Kids & Caregivers.”
Talking early and often with children about body safety is an essential component of child sexual abuse prevention—and should be part of everyday household safety routines.
Join guest panelists from Children’s Advocacy Centers (CACs) to learn practical ways that parents and caregivers can empower children to be body-aware, understand healthy boundaries, and identify strange behaviors that may be red flags for grooming.
What to Expect
Panelists will share insight from professional work in the field of child abuse response, and from personal experience as advocates for safe kids in their families or communities. This session is geared for parents and caregivers, professionals interacting with children, and community members committed to creating safe places for Pennsylvania children.
Handouts
- a kid-friendly 5 Body Safety Rules fridge poster
- a special gift from Beth Tyson Trauma Consulting
- Signs of Abuse flyer
New Podcast Interview
Listen here or watch on YouTube as Dr. Deussing interviews me about kinship care, childhood trauma, and how we can help children overcome extreme life adversity. He was especially curious about what drives me into the “nooks and crannies” of psychopathology, and I think I gave him a pretty good answer! Let me know what you think by leaving a comment. I love hearing your feedback.
October Trauma Champion
One of the most rewarding aspects of my work is connecting with extraordinary individuals who have dedicated their careers to making a difference in the lives of others. This month, I am excited to introduce Dr. Kate Tumelty Felice as our Trauma Champion of the Month for October 2024.
Every month, I select a Trauma Champion who has touched my heart, not only through their professional achievements but also through their willingness to share their personal journey. Kate’s openness in sharing her story of trauma and loss and how it shaped her path into psychology and higher education truly moved me.
Kate’s Bio:
Dr. Kate Tumelty Felice is an education and psychology professor and Coordinator of Education Programs at Rowan College of South Jersey. She is also a faculty member who teaches education courses for Fairleigh Dickinson University as well as Integrative Health for Northeastern University.
She began her career in law enforcement as a major crimes and narcotics detective. She then transitioned into education with a proactive focus on kids’ wellness. She trains in and incorporates trauma-informed mindfulness with nutrition, nature, and movement for kids, veterans, and first responders to increase long-term resiliency.
She has implemented holistic wellness programs in schools and organizations and provided subject matter expertise in Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs and PACEs), trauma-informed protocol and best practices, neuroplasticity and learning, and positive psychology and resilience. She speaks nationally on innovative education, resiliency, and other aspects of learning and wellness.
She is a Master Resiliency Trainer for the States of New Jersey and Georgia and has advised the New Jersey Office of Attorney General, Division of Criminal Justice, as a subject matter expert in the field of resiliency. She serves on various advisory boards and organizes multi-agency community-serving events.
Please join me in celebrating Dr. Kate Tumelty Felice for her courage, resilience, and dedication to the field of trauma healing!
Resource Spotlight
Check out this powerful free guide on child safety and abuse prevention, published by my friend and colleague Leslie Davila from the Office of Youth and Child Protection at the Archdiocese of Philadelphia. Please share with others who might find it helpful!
My Top News Picks from the Field
- New Research Identifies a Hormonal Imbalance Linked to PTSD
- Meet the men standing up to end violence against women – Positive News
- Early Adversity Leads to Accelerated Brain Development with Long Term Risks
- Pregnancy Dramatically Reshapes the Brain – Neuroscience News
Quote of the Month
Laughing at ourselves is an antidote for shame!
Update on My New Sullivan Book
My new children’s book, Sullivan Goes to See Mama: A Story to Help Children Navigate Family Visits, is almost finished, but I had to change the cover. The original version of the cover did not have Mama on it. When I showed it to my Emotiminds group members on Facebook, several people suggested Mama should be on the cover, and I agree! I felt that it was important to include her on the cover because she is a critical part of Sullivan’s journey through kinship care (aka grandparents raising grandchildren). Thank you to my Emotiminds for this suggestion. You guys are the best!
This sketch above is NOT the final cover, but a mock-up before it goes to color. Stay tuned to next month’s newsletter to see the brand-new cover!
This new book is a sequel to my first children’s book for kinship families, A Grandfamily for Sullivan. If you work with or are raising young children in kinship families, definitely check out my five-star rated book on Amazon!
In Closing…
The cozy season has arrived here on the East Coast, and despite the challenges we face as professionals and caregivers, rituals can keep our families grounded by centering our children and nurturing our mental health. You might think rituals are corny or a luxury reserved for those with more time, but I encourage you to find one or two that feel right to you this fall.
In a world filled with uncertainty and chaos, rituals offer a sense of predictability and comfort. Whether it’s a trip to the pumpkin patch, savoring your favorite cider, or a walk through the crunching leaves, remember to embrace these moments.
For children with trauma, these seasonal traditions can calm their nervous systems and provide a sense of normalcy when everything else feels out of place. At the same time, some rituals can trigger traumatic memories because sights, sounds, and smells of Autumn could remind the child of something terrible that happened.
It’s important to check in with your children and get their consent before participating in rituals, and allow them to sit things out if they feel uncomfortable.
So, take a deep breath, let yourself relax into the cozy season, and remember that some things can still be steady and safe.
And because I’m a nerd, here is some new research on the power of savoring for moms and infants.
If you find this newsletter helpful, please share it with your favorite online parenting groups, mental health groups, and friends and family. The more people we can help, the better! I deeply appreciate you making it to the end of this newsletter. I know how precious your time is, and I’m honored to have you in my community.
With hope, grief, and compassion,
Beth Tyson
Mom. Survivor. Advocate. Speaker
Set up an exploratory call for your next event here: Beth Tyson Trauma Consulting
