The Power and Pitfalls of Attachment Theory for Children with Trauma

It started with a shoe. It had Velcro instead of laces. Little kid size 10. And it zoomed past my head after a visit between a child and his mother in an under-resourced supervised visitation room.

He was almost 4 years old with curly hair. His words were few. But when his mother left after their hour together, he hurled the shoe at me with all the rage his little body could muster. Thanks to my cat-like reflexes, I was unharmed (in case you are wondering).

The Power and Pitfalls of Attachment Theory

To the outside world, he looked “aggressive.” To some clinicians, maybe “oppositional.” But to me, because of what I’d learned through attachment theory, it was clear he was in protest. The kind of protest that only makes sense if you’ve had multiple people disappear on you again and again with no explanation.

That moment reminded me that attachment theory gave us a language to understand the complexity of human behavior. It taught us that behavior is never just behavior. Through the lens of attachment theory, his shoe wasn’t a weapon. It was a message. One hurled not at me personally, but at the valid, unbearable feelings of separation, confusion, and loss he didn’t have words for.

When a caregiver leaves, especially one who is inconsistently available or caught in a system that disrupts connection, young children don’t yet have the cognitive ability to make sense of it. What they do have is a nervous system wired for survival, and in that moment, his fight response showed up in the only way it knew how.

His protest wasn’t a conscious choice. It was a desperate attempt to say, “This hurts, and I don’t know what to do with the hurt.”

Attachment theory helps us see that, and reminds us that underneath what looks like aggression is often a longing to be seen, soothed, and safe.

The Power of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory, as shaped by Bowlby and Ainsworth, was revolutionary. It introduced the world to a profound insight: that consistent, responsive caregiving shapes not just behavior, but biology.

John Bowlby may have created the theory of attachment, but it was Dr. Mary Ainsworth’s research that gave it proof and power. Her work is often overlooked in conversations about attachment, and I want to make sure her voice and her legacy aren’t forgotten.

We now know that the developing brain is highly sensitive to patterns of interaction with primary caregivers in early life (Siegel, 2012), and secure attachment promotes resilience, emotional regulation, and mental well-being across the lifespan (Shonkoff et al., 2012). But, as with any framework, the way it’s used matters just as much as the theory itself.

“A securely attached child is free to concentrate on his play, to explore, and to initiate interaction with others because he is confident of the availability of his attachment figure should he need her.”

— Mary D. Ainsworth, Patterns of Attachment, 1978

When the Theory Is Misapplied

The visit ended. The shoe flew. And like many moments I’ve witnessed in family visitation rooms, what happened next was most important.

If another professional were sitting beside me, someone trained in traditional, behavior-first models, they might have written in the report:

• “Child is aggressive following contact with mother.”

• “Displays difficulty self-regulating after visits.”

• “Suggest reassessing frequency of visitation.”

• “No evidence of secure attachment observed.”

And just like that, a 4-year-old’s protest, an entirely developmentally appropriate reaction to relational rupture, might be framed as evidence that contact with his mother is harmful, that their relationship is broken beyond repair, or worse, that he’s destined for a disordered future.

These are the hidden harms of how attachment theory has been misapplied in child welfare and mental health systems. While I don’t place blame on Ainsworth or Bowlby for these outcomes, we have a responsibility to examine the unintended consequences of their work so we can prevent further harm and evolve our understanding of attachment in a more inclusive, compassionate direction.

When behavior is viewed through a narrow lens, we risk assigning false labels to children with trauma. For example:

– Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

– Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

–  Disorganized attachment

– “Not bonded with caregiver”

– “Manipulative” or “attention-seeking”

These conclusions don’t just miss the mark, they could cause long-term damage. They can reinforce shame and push families further apart.

They also frame emotional survival as pathology, a practice currently too prevalent in our systems. While I recognize labels are often necessary to receive treatment, these labels also follow a child across schools, placements, or case plans, and can shape how every adult in their life responds to them.

How to Overcome the Pitfalls

At this point, you might be wondering, “If we agree that attachment theory is a starting point, not an endpoint, how do we expand its application to reduce harm and increase healing?”

Here are three research-backed, evolving strategies for therapists, parents, and anyone supporting children with trauma and loss:

1. Shift from Attachment Labels to Regulation Profiles

Rather than assigning global attachment categories (secure, avoidant, insecure, disorganized), consider how the child experiences and recovers from emotional dysregulation in relational settings.

We can ask:

• When the child is distressed, what helps them return to their window of tolerance? Do more of that.
• How do they respond to the availability or absence of their supportive adult? Various levels of distress in a child could be normative given their history with frequent loss of caregivers.
• What relational patterns of behavior support their feelings of safety (both physically and emotionally)? Increasing safety increases trust, which increases attachment.

This encourages a focus on relational capacity and stress recovery, which are far more useful for real-world support planning than static labels.

Contrary to early beliefs, attachment styles are not fixed traits. Emerging research shows that they can shift over time, especially when individuals experience consistent, emotionally attuned relationships with safe caregivers or partners, and engage in therapeutic work to process early relational wounds (Fraley & Roisman, 2019).

2. Prioritize Repair Frequency Over Responsiveness Alone

Classic attachment theory emphasized “sensitive responsiveness,” but that doesn’t tell the whole story, especially for families healing from trauma. Research by Dr. Ed Tronick and colleagues (1998) found that ruptures in caregiver-child attunement are inevitable, and that repair, not perfection, is what builds trust.

In homes where stress is high, trauma is present, and caregivers are stretched thin, the most hopeful and healing question we can ask is: “How often does this caregiver notice and repair a rupture in connection?”

Frequent, genuine repair helps children develop realistic expectations of relationships. The truth is, we ALL make mistakes with the children we love. The repair process is just as valuable. Be authentic, vulnerable, and put yourself in the child’s shoes when repairing after angry words and harsh emotions are exchanged.

3. Expand the Definition of Attachment Figures

Children in foster care, kinship care, or complex custody arrangements are often asked to form attachments to new adults while grieving old ones. They may be labeled “disorganized” when in fact they are loyal, grieving, and confused all at the same time.

Therapists and professionals can help by: 

• Acknowledging multiple attachment figures in the child’s life
• Validating grief alongside new connections
• Supporting gradual transitions, not abrupt separations

This requires a systems change, but it starts with how we talk about attachment in our conversations with caregivers and other professionals.

A Call for Gentle Evolution

We don’t need to discard attachment theory. We need to improve the application of it and bust the myths surrounding it.

We need to hold Dr. Mary Ainsworth’s and John Bowlby’s brilliance alongside the limitations of the cultural lens they worked within back in the mid-twentieth century. We need to offer caregivers tools, not undue pressure, blame, and shame, and expand our definitions of what “good enough” really means.

That toddler and his shoe? He wasn’t trying to harm me. He was telling me a story. Our jobs as trauma-informed professionals and caregivers are to listen to the story beneath the behavior, not just check the boxes of a theory.

As a parent and trauma specialist, I frequently need to remind myself that relationships are the center of healing trauma, and a child’s behavior rarely tells a complete story.

(References are listed at the bottom of this newsletter for further information)

Upcoming Events from Beth Tyson Trauma Consulting

Summer is on fire with professional development opportunities from yours truly and other Trauma Champions in my LinkedIn community! Time spent with you is my favorite, so grab a cup of tea and meet me online.

Register before it’s too late:

• Monday, June 23rd, I will be presenting: Healing Ambiguous Loss in Kinship and Foster Care at the “Building Resilient Communities Conference”, hosted by Attachment & Trauma Network, Inc. Register HERE.

• Tuesday, July 8th from 1 – 2 pm ET, I will be the special guest for Operation Parent‘s next FREE webinar: “Helping Youth Heal: Support Through Family Addiction, Trauma, and Stress.” Register HERE.

• SPECIAL 3-HOUR WEBINAR: Wednesday, July 23rd, from 1-4 pm ET, neurodevelopment expert, Lori Desautels, and I will co-host an interactive workshop: Bridging the Worlds of Home and School, featuring four additional trauma-informed experts. EARLY BIRD PRICING IS STILL AVAILABLE ($65). Teachers, counselors, and mental health professionals, don’t miss this opportunity to learn about childhood trauma and find a lasting connection with us this summer. Following this event, you will feel rejuvenated and fully prepared with neuroscientific strategies to start the school year off on the right foot! Register NOW for early-bird pricing through the end of June.

We are currently scheduling online and in-person workshops and speaking opportunities at Beth Tyson Trauma Consulting.

Please contact me to set up a time to discuss trauma-informed and healing-centered care training for your organization. Our professional development workshops are fully customizable to fit your needs and budget.

Some of our most popular topics are:

• Healing-Centered Family Time Practices for Visitation Monitors and Social Workers

• Helping Children Navigate Ambiguous Loss in Foster and Kinship Care

• Preventing and Healing Childbirth Trauma to Reduce Child Welfare Involvement

• Rebuilding Trust and Resilience After Childhood Adversity: Strategies for Young Children

I’d love to hear what other topics you are interested in! Please email me with your suggestions at Beth@BethTyson.com.

My 2nd Children’s Book is Now Available!

Sullivan Goes to See Mama: A Story to Help Children Navigate Supervised Visitation is the second book in The Sullivan’s Healing Journey Series, a healing-centered children’s book series for kids experiencing foster care, kinship care, or supervised family time due to divorce or child welfare involvement.

In this tender and honest story, Sullivan, a young Koala being raised by his Grandma, prepares for a visit with his Mama under the watchful eye of a family time monitor. The book gently guides children through intense feelings like worry, anger, and confusion, offering validation, comfort, and hope through Sullivan’s journey.

Rooted in trauma-informed care and attachment theory, this story helps children feel seen and supported while encouraging the safe adults in their lives to approach family time with empathy, preparation, and love.

Please consider donating copies to your local school, library, or children and youth services office. With more than 400K children in foster care and over 2.5 million children in kinship care, these books are desperately needed.

Lastly, don’t forget to check out my first book in the series, A Grandfamily for Sullivan: Coping Skills for Kinship Families, also available on Amazon in paperback.

In Closing…

As June winds down, I want to acknowledge everyone who is living with the invisible wounds of trauma. PTSD Awareness Month is a reminder that healing is not linear, and there is no shame in how your nervous system has learned to protect you.

Whether your trauma came from a single event or years of compounded experiences, your responses make sense in the context of what you’ve survived. You are not broken, you are adapting.

I hope that this month brings you deeper compassion for yourself and others, access to safe relationships, and spaces where your story is met with respect instead of judgment.

If you found this edition of my newsletter helpful or interesting, please say hello! Feel free to share this post with your network or as a resource in your next newsletter. Your feedback on social media inspires me to keep writing.

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With hope & gratitude,

Beth Tyson, MA, Founder of Beth Tyson Trauma Consulting

References for the Attachment Theory Portion of this Newsletter:

• Fraley, R. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2019). The development of adult attachment styles: Four lessons. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 26–30. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.02.008

• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• Shonkoff, J. P., et al. (2012). The lifelong effects of early childhood adversity and toxic stress. Pediatrics, 129(1), e232-e246.

• Tronick, E., et al. (1998). The neurobehavioral and social-emotional development of infants and children. Harvard University Press.

• Silberman, S. (2015). NeuroTribes: The legacy of autism and the future of neurodiversity. Avery.