We’ve all heard the warnings: “Don’t distract your child from their feelings,” or “They must sit with their emotions to learn resilience.”
As a trauma therapist and a mom myself, I found myself nodding along with these messages… until reality taught me otherwise and I learned the secret to co-regulation during meltdowns.
What is Co-Regulation?
This might be surprising to some people, but children are not born with the ability to self-regulate or manage their emotions. They need a safe and trustworthy adult to “teach” them through thousands of repetitive interactions how to regulate their emotions.
In fact, many children don’t acquire the ability to self-regulate until they are roughly 7-9 years old and this process continues into the mid-20s! Think about it, who do you know who consistently manages their emotions?
Co-regulation is a two-way process linking our nervous system to your child’s during times of distress. It’s not just about what we say or do, it’s about how our nervous systems are communicating beneath the surface. Through tone, posture, presence, and “vibes”, our body sends signals of either safety or threat to our child. When we stay grounded, we help our child’s nervous system settle, teaching their nervous system how to return to equilibrium.
Co-regulation is not about feeling calm all the time, because truthfully, that is impossible when raising kids. What matters most in co-regulation is being connected to ourselves and our children.
Of course we are going to feel upset when our child is overwhelmed! That’s a natural reaction as a caregiver. The key is feeling the dysregulation our child feels and then guiding ourselves back down to “baseline.”
Over time, the child’s nervous system learns how to manage hard feelings with our support. In other words, we’re helping them borrow our ability to regulate until they can find their own.
The Role of Distraction in Co-Regulation
The parenting world, especially with the rise of social media influencers, often demonizes distraction. It’s frequently labeled as avoidance, a shortcut, or even harmful. Back in the day, I bought into the myth that distraction is unhealthy. I felt convinced that the only way to resilience or healing was to sit fully and intensely in every emotional storm. It got to the point that I felt anxious even if I chose a healthy distraction like reading.
Then one night a thunderstorm terrified my child, triggering a meltdown of epic proportions. Determined to “do it right,” we both sat in the intensity of those emotions, believing we were learning resilience.
Unfortunately, after nearly an hour of emotional chaos, we found ourselves exhausted, overwhelmed, and no closer to understanding or resolution. Worse yet, I was feeling triggered and angry with my child.
That’s when something shifted.
When Distraction Becomes Connection
Out of sheer necessity, I reached for her favorite markers and invited her to draw a picture. Then I suggested she draw with both her left and right hands to get her “thinking brain” online. This technique is a form of bilateral stimulation, which I learned in my training to become an EMDR-certified psychotherapist.
Lastly, and this won’t be okay for all of you, I gave her permission to use any words she wanted to yell at the storm for scaring her. I won’t repeat the words she chose, but let’s just say they could make Jason Kelce blush (hi Philly!), which stimulated uncontrollable laughter by both of us! Those contagious giggles sent signals of safety to our nervous systems. Phew.
Within minutes, we both returned to our emotional baseline. The secret to co-regulation was there all along. Crucially, grounding ourselves through distraction allowed us to process her feelings rather than spiral deeper into them. In simplistic terms, the distraction allowed her to transition from the fear center of her brain to her logical brain, increasing her willingness to try other coping techniques like deep pressure on her body, five-finger breathing (which she normally resists if I suggest), and bilateral stimulation.
A Change in Perspective
Moments like this transformed my understanding: distraction isn’t avoidance—it’s strategic co-regulation, especially for children with a history of trauma.
Briefly shifting focus away from overwhelming emotions can be essential, not harmful. Here’s why: At the core of trauma is a disrupted sense of safety. When a child feels unsafe, their fight-or-flight system is activated, making it nearly impossible to think clearly or process feelings. Until that fear response is dialed down and safety is re-established, often through connection, emotional processing can’t happen. Distraction, used intentionally, helps bridge that gap.
What the Research Says
Neuroscience supports that activities like drawing are effective forms of adjusting our emotions, not avoiding them (Drake, 2021). By validating her feelings, and then temporarily redirecting attention, we created the environment to circle back and explore the emotions in a meaningful way.
Please remember: For distraction to be healthy and effective, we must be intentional and strategic with the distraction, not mindlessly occupying ourselves or the child with screens, food, shopping, alcohol, etc.
Your Guide for Strategic Distraction (Best for 6-12 year olds)
1. Validate Emotions: Acknowledge the child’s feelings directly. (“I can see how scared you are. I was scared too when I was a kid. I’m here for you, we will get through this together.”)
2. Strategically Distract: Introduce several activities you approve of participating in and let them choose which they want to do. (“Sometimes it helps to get “good distracted.” Would you like to read a story together, color, draw, dance, or play a card game?) I do NOT recommend using electronics or screen time.
3. Circle Back with Curiosity: Once the child is calm, revisit the emotion or issue, allowing them to express their feelings clearly. (Ex: “That storm really upset you. Can you tell me what it feels like in your body when you get that scared?”)
4. Collaboratively Problem-Solve: Together, discuss ways to handle similar emotions or problems in the future. (“Let’s make a list. What has helped you in the past when you are scared? What helped you this time? Let’s remember these so we can try them the moment you start to have that scared feeling in your body.”)
Key Takeaway
Distraction is a tool for co-regulation. It’s an ally in your parenting toolkit, empowering both you and your child to approach emotions from a place of clarity and co-regulation. By recognizing and validating feelings first, then using thoughtful distraction, you’re creating space for genuine connection, emotional growth, and resilience. And together, these elements are the secret to co-regulation!
My upcoming book, Trigger-Free Parenting™, delves deeper into techniques like this, reversing parenting myths and providing practical, trauma-informed strategies for caregivers. It will be available in early 2026. Subscribe to my FREE newsletter at BethTyson.com to receive evidence-based resources, links to free webinars, and updates on my books.
References:
1. Davis, E. L., Levine, L. J., Lench, H. C., & Quas, J. A. (2010). The Effects of Distraction and Reappraisal on Children’s Parasympathetic Regulation of Sadness and Fear. Emotion, 10(4), 498–510. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018428.
2. Drake, J. E., Coleman, K., & Winner, E. (2011). How Children Use Drawing to Regulate Their Emotions. Cognition and Emotion, 25(3), 389–399.
Resource of the Month: Navigating Hidden Grief in Children
Discover powerful trauma-informed strategies in this webinar, “Navigating Hidden Grief: Understanding Ambiguous Loss in Children and Families.” This essential resource is designed specifically to help professionals, caregivers, teachers, social workers, and mental health specialists seeking practical insights on supporting children coping with ambiguous loss, a specific type of grief without closure.
Ambiguous loss can deeply impact children’s emotional well-being, manifesting through complex behaviors, anxiety, and unresolved sadness.
In this webinar, you’ll gain:
- A clear definition of ambiguous loss and its subtle signs in children.
- Trauma-informed strategies to validate and support children’s emotions.
- Effective techniques to foster resilience and healing.
- Practical advice for creating emotionally safe environments at home, school, or therapy.
Empower yourself with actionable knowledge that can transform your interactions and interventions, helping children navigate uncertainty and find emotional stability.
Don’t forget to subscribe, like, and share for more impactful resources on trauma-informed care and child emotional health.
This is Your Sign: Plan Now for 2026
(Far right: Beth Tyson as the Keynote Speaker for the 2024 Infant Mental Health Conference)
It might feel like a long way off, but as a subject matter expert, I’m already booking speaking events and workshops into 2026! If you are an event or training coordinator at your organization or you know one, consider this your friendly nudge to start planning for your next event with the help of Beth Tyson Trauma Consulting.
My Services
- Unforgettable live and virtual workshops on healing-centered care
- Trauma-informed curricula development, designed specifically for organizations that serve families
- Professional development with ongoing staff coaching in trauma-informed care
- Resource toolkits from an inclusive and healing-centered perspective
Flexibility is My Unique Strength
Because BTTC is a small business, I customize each service to meet the needs of your environment, such as:
- Healthcare settings
- Non-profits that serve families
- Child welfare organizations
- Colleges and universities
- Schools and childcare facilities
So, if you dream of making a powerful impact in 2026, now is the perfect time to contact me and schedule a Rough Draft Call.
The “Rough Draft” Call
Every story starts somewhere. This free 15 or 30-minute call is a relaxed space where we can explore your goals, challenges, and whether we’re a good fit to work together. No pressure, no polish required. Just bring your ideas, your questions, and yourself.
Maybe you’re the next person or organization I get to collaborate with! Let’s explore what we can build together. Click the image below to schedule a Rough Draft Call to discuss the dreams of your organization.
My New E-book on Supported Family Time (a.k.a Supervised Visitation) is Now Available on Kindle
Sullivan Goes to See Mama is a comforting and beautifully illustrated story designed to carefully guide children through the complexities of supported family time (supervised visitation).
As Sullivan prepares for an important day with his mama, young readers learn alongside him how to navigate big emotions with courage and compassion.
Counselors, caregivers, and other professionals will find this book a powerful tool for nurturing emotional resilience and reassuring children that love is present, even in the hardest moments.
Sullivan Goes to See Mama is a compassionate resource to ease the emotional stress children may experience before, during, and after family visits, supporting smoother transitions and promoting healthier interactions. With gentle reassurance and understanding, this story aims to strengthen reunification efforts when safe and beneficial for the child, fostering hope, healing, and lasting connections.
A Gentle Request
If you believe in the work I do, I’d be so grateful if you’d consider ordering the Kindle version of my new book ($3.99). Every order signals to Amazon that this story matters and that children in foster and kinship care deserve recognition.
The paperback version will be available on Amazon April 30th, 2025!
Orders and reviews help the algorithm work in our favor, reaching the families, caregivers, and professionals who need it most. Additionally, I donate at least 50 copies of my books each year, and the income I earn makes it possible for me to continue offering free events, webinars, and resources like this newsletter. Thank you for having a heart for children in need and being part of this mission.
By the way, I also offer a coaching model for organizations called “healing-centered family time” to help increase reunification efforts when it’s beneficial for the child(ren). Reply to this email to learn more! 💛
Social Media Post of the Week – Over 1,000 likes on LinkedIn!
In Closing…
Thank you for being a part of the almost 70K people in my community and using your precious time to learn how to improve the lives of children! As a reminder, my newsletter will be shorter than usual for the rest of the year because (as you may have heard) I am writing a book for adults called Trigger Free Parenting™.
We need to lift each other up high and create a community of trusted allies in the field of trauma-informed care. Now is the time for us to stand together and support oppressed people and ideas. I love hearing from my readers. Please reply to this email and send me a comment or just say hi!
With hope, grief, and love,
Beth
