I was recently chatting with a client who needed help coping with the often intense emotions of her toddler when she said, “I started sneaking out just to go to the grocery store because she gets so upset when I leave.”
It dawned on me that I’ve heard some version of this in many families. Such as:
“We didn’t tell her we were going out to dinner because she’d get upset.”
“He cries every time I say goodbye, so I just leave while he’s napping.”
In relation to foster and kinship care, it’s something like: ” It’s better if we don’t mention Mom/Dad anymore because it will only stir things up.”
Why Sneaking Out is a Natural Instinct
When I became a mom, I had these thoughts too. I remember a hot summer day standing at the door, shoes in hand to go for a walk (something I needed), heart racing, knowing my daughter would cry if she saw me leave. Every instinct said, “Just sneak out. Spare her (and yourself) the pain.”
Luckily, in that moment (and many after that), I recognized the only one it was easier for was ME.
Saying goodbye meant watching her struggle, feeling her fear of abandonment, and sitting in the discomfort of knowing I couldn’t take it away. But because of my training in trauma-informed care, I realized disappearing only left her in her micro-grief alone and silenced.
Through deeper reflection, I also noticed that her reaction to my leaving was activating old pain in me that I wanted to avoid. That’s a trauma response while parenting, a.k.a becoming “triggered” (not my favorite word for it).
Even the best of parents will feel this depending on their childhood experiences with their own family. Yet, since we are adults now, it’s our responsibility to know better and do better for children.
You’re Not Really Sneaking Out Anyway – The Impact on Children
The thing is, children notice when we’re gone, whether we say goodbye or not. Their bodies sense it even if their minds can’t make sense of it.
When adults leave without explanation, the child’s nervous system, depending on its life experiences, could fill in the blanks with:
- I must’ve done something wrong
- Maybe they won’t come back.
- I am leavable. I am unloved.
This happens not only in everyday moments, but in foster and kinship care too:
When a parent stops visiting and adults say, “Let’s not mention Mom anymore, it will be easier this way.”
Silence teaches children it’s not safe to talk about what hurts, and that love disappears without warning. It becomes acceptable not to ask questions.
How to Say Goodbye (For Now) with Honesty
Instead of avoiding the hard moments, let’s provide the truth, even to infants and babies who can’t talk yet. They can pick up on cues of safety and comfort in our voice and body language.
Say softly,
“I am not leaving because of you, and I promise I will be back soon. If something makes me late, someone will let you know.”
“Mom is not able to visit right now, but she still loves you.”
“I’m going out for dinner, and you’ll stay with Grandma until I’m back.”
“It’s okay to feel sad when I leave. I felt that way too when I was your age. I know this isn’t easy for you, but I will be back. Do you want to scribble out your feelings about it? Grandma has some crayons to choose from.”
How to Hold Their Intense Feelings About Goodbye
Then, we have to sit with their emotions. No matter how big they are. Just observe and provide our caring presence. We don’t have to fix it or take away their sadness. Just feel it with them, and then tie our shoes and go for that walk we need.
From this, young children learn that adults have to take care of themselves too, which is a model for how they can take breaks from parenting if/when they need to someday.
Those simple truths help children’s brains organize their world and rebuild trust one goodbye at a time, even if they are too young to speak.
“Children deserve the truth more than adults deserve ease.” – Beth Tyson
- Prepare them ahead of time. Let the child know when you’ll be leaving and when you’ll return in simple, concrete terms (e.g., “After snack time, I’ll go to my meeting, and Grandma will stay with you until bedtime.”). Predictability calms the nervous system.
- Name what’s happening and validate feelings. “It’s hard when I leave. You might feel sad or mad, and that’s okay. I’ll miss you too.” This builds emotional literacy and trust.
- Create a short goodbye ritual. A special handshake, a hug, or saying a certain phrase (“See you after story time!”) gives the child a consistent cue that you always come back.
- Avoid sneaking out. Leaving without notice might stop the tears in the moment, but increases anxiety and hypervigilance later. Children need to see you leave and return to build trust.
- Keep your body calm and voice steady, but be authentic. If you are sad, be sad. Your nervous system sets the tone. Even if they’re upset, your calm sadness signals safety: “My caregiver is steady. I can be safe even when I’m sad.”
- Offer a transitional object. A photo, small toy, or something that smells like you can help them feel connected when you’re apart.
- Follow through on your promise. Come back when you said you would. Repetition of this experience rewires the brain for trust and safety.
- Reunite with warmth. When you return, offer connection before correction. “I missed you. I’m so happy to see you.” helps close the loop and reinforces that separations end in reunion.
For Children with Trauma Histories:
- Use visual aids (timers, calendars, pictures) to show the sequence of leaving and returning.
- Expect dysregulation. Clinginess or anger is often a stress response, not “bad behavior.”
- Co-regulate first; talk later.
In Closing…
Goodbyes are never easy, especially when you love a child who’s already known loss. But every honest, gentle farewell becomes an opportunity to rewrite their story about love and safety.
Each time we prepare them, name their feelings, and come back when we say we will, we help their nervous system learn: people can leave and still return. That lesson might seem small, but it’s one of the most powerful gifts we can give.
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What’s Happening at Beth Tyson Trauma Consulting (BTTC)?
Introducing the FIRST YEARS Framework — Preventing and Healing Childhood Trauma Before It Takes Over
For years, we’ve been teaching people how to respond to trauma.
But what if we focused on how to heal and prevent it?
The FIRST YEARS™ Framework, created by Beth Tyson Trauma Consulting, bridges early childhood development, attachment science, and trauma-informed practice to create emotionally safe environments where children and professionals can thrive.
If you work with children ages 0–8, and you’ve been through trauma-informed training, but it didn’t stick, this is the missing piece you’ve been looking for.
To learn how this framework can benefit your organization or family, register for my free webinar here.
- It takes place: Thursday, November 20th, 2025
- Time: 12:30-1:30 pm ET
- Where: Zoom
- Who’s Invited?: Child-serving professionals, caretakers, parents, foster parents, kinship parents, early education providers
- Will it be recorded?: Yes.
If you’re interested, but not ready to join a webinar yet:
- You can join my free Facebook Group, The Trauma Toolkit
- Or, follow me on LinkedIn, where I share content and resources several times a week with over 60K followers! (Shout out to my LinkedIn friends – you guys rock.)
I hope to see you online. Please share with colleagues and others who might benefit from this resource so more children can receive trauma prevention and healing.
With hope and compassion,
Beth
